Things I Will Do When My Children Have Their Own Homes

I've just been reading a hilarious thread on Mumsnet where parents have been sharing their plans for the homes of their children, if and when they ever move out. It really made me laugh and then think about the plans I have for my three. If you read the thread it's quite clear what stage of parenting the posters are at and it made me think about my children.


For Bud:
I'm going to wait until he's sitting down to eat and has picked up his cutlery, and then I'll ask for a drink, some bread, the ketchup or the mayo.

I shall watch my favourite YouTubers and make sure that I tell him every single detail of the video so he feels like he's seen it himself.

I will wait until he's doing something really important and then I'll ask him 'do male and female flamingoes look different from one another?' or 'how heavy is the big bridge we drive over when we go to the Trafford Centre?' I'll ask these questions over and over again until he stops what he's doing and Googles the important answers for me.

When I need him, I'm going to say his name so slowly that it takes about five seconds to get it out. I'll obviously repeat this until he answers me.

If I have something important to tell him, I'm going to make him guess what it is. I'll offer very little context for the subject of the guessing game to make it more fun.

Every time he takes a photo of me I'll make a thumbs up with both hands and a crazy smile.

For LM:
I will remove my shoes in the most obscure place in her house, then shrug my shoulders and deny any knowledge of ever owning shoes when she asks me to find them.

I'm going to change my name to something more suited to that of a rejected My Little Pony and refuse to tell anyone what my new name is. I won't respond in any way unless they happen to guess the random combination of sparkly and glittery words that I've chosen.

Any comment or question that I don't like the answer to will be met with a withering look, and 'you're so silly LM'.

I'll demand that she does my hair in elaborate hairstyles and then cry and wail every time she approaches me with a hairbrush.

Should she serve me a meal, I will roll my eyes and pronounce it 'gwoss', even though I ate it fine last week.

I'll insist on taking my collection of 'girls' everywhere with me and make her carry them for me. As soon as we leave the house I'll completely forget that I've brought my dolls and leave them in the boot of her car for the next two weeks. When the allotted time has elapsed I'll decide that I must have them, right now, probably at bedtime, and attempt to spend the next hour getting their pyjamas on and putting them to bed. I'll go and find her an hour after I've gone to bed and complain that one of the dolls is looking at me funny and make her come and put them in the downstairs toilet so they can't see her while she's asleep.

Every time she takes a photo of me I'll pout and give a peace sign.

For Little E:
Each and every device I can reach the plug for will be unplugged. I'll take anything being charged and hide the charger leads so he'll go to grab his phone ready to take out with him and find it only has 2% battery.

I'll climb on everything and do barrel rolls over the back of the sofa.

If I get a cold I'll run away every time he tells me to wipe my nose and sit somewhere unreachable, sniffing and letting it drip over my top lip.

I'll wait until we're all ready to go out and then take my coat, shoes and socks, and possibly clothes, off and refuse to put them back on again.

Whenever we go somewhere I'm expected to be quiet I'll spend the whole time shouting 'hey' at everyone I know. Bonus points if it's a big echo-y room and I can run around making fun stamping noises too!

Every time he takes a photo of me I'll look anywhere but at the camera and move just as he presses the shutter.

I'm fairly sure that my parents could have made such a list for me and my siblings - our own children are the punishment for our behaviour when we were younger! I'm also sure that the list will change as my three get older (although LM will still be eye rolling - I just didn't expect it to start at five!)

What will you be doing when your children move into their own homes?